5.6.11
DeaR Natalie & Kristi & Helen- I thought of you when listening to the talk because I thought it was so cool how they decided a family members death would be the rallying cry for their family. That like you they already have one there and are doing everything they can to get everyone else there and how that shaped their family. (radio.lds.org-- go to programs, conversations, person who wrote Thomas S. Monson biography good talk) Which you are obviously living.
This whole deal is amazingly a lot. Went to the temple tonight. It was balm for the hurting soul. But the poor people in the full session were wondering what was going on why I was crying so much. So many things like the veil were/are just so amazing I mean really think about it or just pay attention and well yeah. So I'm thankful we went. the lady sitting next to me on one side saw me in the waiting area after and said are you okay? I told her my grandfather just died two days ago I'm just sad. But this helped a lot. I figure every tear shed is one more down. Although I slightly feel like a raisin and hopefully will be presentable by the tues funneral. I'm just trying to pull thoughts together but I am remembering more and more. and we did go to their house today and while that was terrible the first time is over so it will be better or not so abrupt next time. As I sat there in that front room it is a peaceful place it was his resting place in life and his final rest too. He was at peace with the decision and I really am at peace with his decision so far. I mean I know I have a lot more of this whole grieving stuff to go through. Good grief just about lost it at the grocery store in the apple section because apples were his favorite. And he would peel them with his pocket knife then offer them around in slices he would divide off. You know just random things. So many things I do or wish I did, or think, or say, or react are because of my love and admiration for him. He was always so supportive. In my family I am known as the difficult child, maybe not so much now. I'm just different now, i.e have a large family and domineering/hard working husband. Anyway he just loved me and loved me. Not hardly any discipline just took me one on one and treated me like an equal gave me responsibilty like pullin gthe lever for the combine auger to come out pulling the other one to make the grain come out. Expecting me to drive a pickup around the farm when I'd never drove more than a lawn mower. Then saying okay I'll show you how then you drive around fro an couple hours to get the hang of it. Same with a motor cycle, jeeps ( oh how I love his jeeps so did he).... he just believed I could and did everything great. Much of my confidence comes from him and now greg. That unconditional love. in some ways for years he's been scooping out greg and I know felt confident in turning me and encouraging me to be totally committed to Greg. His comment was always when I would kiss him goodbye "Go kiss you husband."
He wa a wise man who didn't waste words. He was his worst enemey because he never gave himself credit or knew where to find forgiveness. I'm telling my kids he didn't know how much Jesus loved him. He got so sad and he just didn't know. He didn't have a frame of reference to build on a kind loving father. However he stopped the torture he endured. He never laid a hand on my dad. He hated and din't allow any child to be disciplined in his sight. Imagine that with Greg. But they respected each other. ANd he (Dick) often said your too huffy you need to lighten up and relax... well not bad advice for a mom. Isn't it more important to relax and laugh a little more. I mean after watching the years of his being chased and tortured by demons of past wrongs done to him it's made me more seriously evaluate being a parent and just how important being positive and good and loving to our children is. how it really messes with them their whole life if we don't get those things across. And a lot of that comes from just being there, chilling a bit, and loving them. forfooting the perfect cleanness or diets or exciting self-adventures, but doing things like sandboxes, swings, cookies, and ice cream cones, and holding them. Anyway thank you for listening. I cannot imagine the pain you felt through, since, and continue to feel for the loss of your daughter. You are amazing and I really admire you. Thank you for listening and being there. I know you are we really haven't ahd a break. Its just one thing after another and some family time, reflecting, grieving, etc. And it looks that way for about 2 weeks. we are headed to logan tomorrow till sunday then funeral, then protland with matt, brenda comes, vale graduation, schools out, corn family comes in for rachels graduation in ontario. ta-dah june.
In between some family decisions on stuff some more grieving, cataloging, discovering.
IT has been hard to be a mom very tied down over here. When I would love to go farm over there and to just step in and do it but it's not my place. And I realized at the temple as I was crying a lot. that being a good mom giving my kids good memories some spoiling or extra is more important than any land. Yes I could fill the seat but who would fill my kids minds and hearts? I mean I do intend to take them with me and we might do some in harvest some field work, heck learn to set good old siphon tubes but I can't wish my life male because I would be missing the biggest lesson explained paragraph above.
REally Papa knew and was proud of our small farm, our farm family, our country living and being. And that's what I want..... I keep reminding myself that while I adored him he is not the ultimate standard to meet. And I am excited and relieved to be able to go with my family next year to do his temple work. I know he will accept it and wants it done. So I hope when all the justice and mercy are meeted out that, and with all my heart I pray for, our family chain being complete. Anyway thanks for the shoulder and ear and heart. I appreciate you. I sent this to my great friend up here too, so I don't have to re-type it. Super lazy I know but it's past 12:30 and I'm a little drained. Love to you both. A
This whole deal is amazingly a lot. Went to the temple tonight. It was balm for the hurting soul. But the poor people in the full session were wondering what was going on why I was crying so much. So many things like the veil were/are just so amazing I mean really think about it or just pay attention and well yeah. So I'm thankful we went. the lady sitting next to me on one side saw me in the waiting area after and said are you okay? I told her my grandfather just died two days ago I'm just sad. But this helped a lot. I figure every tear shed is one more down. Although I slightly feel like a raisin and hopefully will be presentable by the tues funneral. I'm just trying to pull thoughts together but I am remembering more and more. and we did go to their house today and while that was terrible the first time is over so it will be better or not so abrupt next time. As I sat there in that front room it is a peaceful place it was his resting place in life and his final rest too. He was at peace with the decision and I really am at peace with his decision so far. I mean I know I have a lot more of this whole grieving stuff to go through. Good grief just about lost it at the grocery store in the apple section because apples were his favorite. And he would peel them with his pocket knife then offer them around in slices he would divide off. You know just random things. So many things I do or wish I did, or think, or say, or react are because of my love and admiration for him. He was always so supportive. In my family I am known as the difficult child, maybe not so much now. I'm just different now, i.e have a large family and domineering/hard working husband. Anyway he just loved me and loved me. Not hardly any discipline just took me one on one and treated me like an equal gave me responsibilty like pullin gthe lever for the combine auger to come out pulling the other one to make the grain come out. Expecting me to drive a pickup around the farm when I'd never drove more than a lawn mower. Then saying okay I'll show you how then you drive around fro an couple hours to get the hang of it. Same with a motor cycle, jeeps ( oh how I love his jeeps so did he).... he just believed I could and did everything great. Much of my confidence comes from him and now greg. That unconditional love. in some ways for years he's been scooping out greg and I know felt confident in turning me and encouraging me to be totally committed to Greg. His comment was always when I would kiss him goodbye "Go kiss you husband."
He wa a wise man who didn't waste words. He was his worst enemey because he never gave himself credit or knew where to find forgiveness. I'm telling my kids he didn't know how much Jesus loved him. He got so sad and he just didn't know. He didn't have a frame of reference to build on a kind loving father. However he stopped the torture he endured. He never laid a hand on my dad. He hated and din't allow any child to be disciplined in his sight. Imagine that with Greg. But they respected each other. ANd he (Dick) often said your too huffy you need to lighten up and relax... well not bad advice for a mom. Isn't it more important to relax and laugh a little more. I mean after watching the years of his being chased and tortured by demons of past wrongs done to him it's made me more seriously evaluate being a parent and just how important being positive and good and loving to our children is. how it really messes with them their whole life if we don't get those things across. And a lot of that comes from just being there, chilling a bit, and loving them. forfooting the perfect cleanness or diets or exciting self-adventures, but doing things like sandboxes, swings, cookies, and ice cream cones, and holding them. Anyway thank you for listening. I cannot imagine the pain you felt through, since, and continue to feel for the loss of your daughter. You are amazing and I really admire you. Thank you for listening and being there. I know you are we really haven't ahd a break. Its just one thing after another and some family time, reflecting, grieving, etc. And it looks that way for about 2 weeks. we are headed to logan tomorrow till sunday then funeral, then protland with matt, brenda comes, vale graduation, schools out, corn family comes in for rachels graduation in ontario. ta-dah june.
In between some family decisions on stuff some more grieving, cataloging, discovering.
IT has been hard to be a mom very tied down over here. When I would love to go farm over there and to just step in and do it but it's not my place. And I realized at the temple as I was crying a lot. that being a good mom giving my kids good memories some spoiling or extra is more important than any land. Yes I could fill the seat but who would fill my kids minds and hearts? I mean I do intend to take them with me and we might do some in harvest some field work, heck learn to set good old siphon tubes but I can't wish my life male because I would be missing the biggest lesson explained paragraph above.
REally Papa knew and was proud of our small farm, our farm family, our country living and being. And that's what I want..... I keep reminding myself that while I adored him he is not the ultimate standard to meet. And I am excited and relieved to be able to go with my family next year to do his temple work. I know he will accept it and wants it done. So I hope when all the justice and mercy are meeted out that, and with all my heart I pray for, our family chain being complete. Anyway thanks for the shoulder and ear and heart. I appreciate you. I sent this to my great friend up here too, so I don't have to re-type it. Super lazy I know but it's past 12:30 and I'm a little drained. Love to you both. A
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